The REAL Lesbian Master Doc

You'll be wowed by these incredible discoveries! Behold, the best lesbian masterdoc on this very internet!

I’ve seen a lot of discussion about something called a ‘lesbian masterdoc’. I didn’t find it very useful and apparently it was written by a woman who now calls herself bisexual, so I thought I’d take a shot at writing my own ‘lesbian masterdoc’.

So, without further ado, here is the super-duper extra-special Sue Donym-devised lesbian masterdoc of your dreams. This is the new lesbian masterdoc, updated and written by a real bona fide lesbian.

The Lesbian Masterdoc

Part 1: How do I know I am a lesbian?

Now, this is truly a difficult question to answer, but I believe I may have a great answer to it. A simple test to determine whether you are, in fact, a lesbian, also known as a female homosexual, a dyke, a carpet muncher, a buyer of practical shoes and/or a vegan.

Now, you may think this requires a great deal of self-examination. It’s actually less intense than finding out your Hogwarts House on Buzzfeed (I’m a Gryffindor), or finding out what kind of inedible gas station taco at 3am you are. Indeed, I have distilled this enormous question down to two simple questions, quite like the Bechdel Test.

This is my simple two-part test to determine whether YOU are a lesbian:

1. Are you biologically female? If no, you cannot be a lesbian.

2. Are you exclusively sexually attracted to other biological females? If no, you are not a lesbian.

If you answered yes to both of these questions, congratulations, YOU are a lesbian. Please call me at 1-800-GAY and I will send you your gay card in the mail, $3.95 plus postage and handling.

If you answered no to both or either of these, you are not a lesbian. That’s it, that’s the test. Share your results in the comments and feel free to share with your friends to work out whether they too, could be lesbians!

Here ends this lesbian masterdoc, the best tool on the internet for finding out whether you are a lesbian or not. I hope this clarified things for you. Please share your experience in the comments, and please share this lesbian masterdoc to help other young lesbians in need!

FAQ:

I only like women, but my husband is my exception and [566 words on how you’re really a lesbian and Nigel is your one exception and you’d never date another man on asking whether you can call yourself a bi lesbian]?

Two things - is there such a thing as a ‘bi gay' man? No, because everyone understands that’s beyond moronic, a contradiction wrapped in a big pile of stupid. So why does anything think the concept of ‘bi lesbian’ is acceptable? You are not a lesbian if you are not exclusively sexually attracted to other women. That’s not me making the rules, it’s the meaning of the word.

And if it weren’t Nigel, it’d be another man. Sorry, but we both know it’s true.

I’m soooo done with men, can I be a lesbian?

Did you pass the test? No? Well then you’re not a lesbian. Yes I am being an exclusionary gate keeper, because my sexual orientation is not a costume for you to wear because you’re sick of men. Men are your problem, not mine.¹

Does a bad break-up give you the right to impersonate a minority group? If you answered no, because of course that’s obvious, why are you impersonating a lesbian?

You’re an exclusionary gatekeeper, saying I’m not a lesbian!

Damn straight. More lesbians and gays should be exclusionary gatekeepers, in my opinion. It would improve our community a great deal if it only consisted of people sexually attracted to the same-sex. It’s as if being sexually attracted to the same sex was the whole reason for a lesbian, gay and bisexual community in the first place. Real shock, I know.

How do I know if I’m sexually attracted to women, though? I’m so confused!

This is very simple. Firstly, are you biologically female? If so, continue to the next paragraph.

Does the thought of an attractive naked adult human female touching you while you are also naked, and then doing some very naughty things together, sexually arouse you? Would you like to go do those things with a consenting woman, if not right now, then in the near future? Congratulations, you like women. If thinking about a man the same way makes you feel indifferent or faintly grossed out, then congratulations, you are gay. If this applies, please call me at 1-800-GAY and I will send you your gay card in the mail, $3.95 plus postage and handling.

I wore plaid once and drive around a Subaru, am I a lesbian?

Please see the test. These things have nothing to do with being a lesbian.

I’m a lesbian as a political stand against the patriarchy and [48123 words and multiple Adrienne Rich footnotes]?

Good for you. Do you want to bone women? Because that’s what lesbianism is about. It’s not about politics, or reaching your true inner woman, sisterhood or even feminism. It’s about wanting to do animalistic things with a pretty woman in a bed and then ineptly trying to make her waffles in her kitchen while she sleeps in the morning because she just looks so gosh darn cute when she’s asleep. It’s not a particularly sophisticated urge, just like heterosexual desire. Sorry. You can have all the academic footnotes in the world, but the reality is attempting to impress a girl with overcooked and/or burnt waffles, a hopeful servant with a humble offering. There are no academic footnotes to describe the moment she wakes up and you hope that she doesn’t notice the burned bits, that she appreciates that at least you made an effort and the brief delusion that maybe you can snuggle as an apology for burning them, and so on.

In short, please see the test.

This is a very transphobic definition and I, a lesbian with a penis consider myself a biological female and…[548349534 words, an anime avatar, and a recommendation to watch a video from someone called ‘contrapoints’ as well as telling me I just need therapy to overcome my problem]?

You are a man and not a lesbian. Please see Component 1 of the test. No, I don’t care if you cut it off. Please see Component 1 of the test. If you tell me I just need therapy, I think that’s called conversion therapy and it’s illegal. Thank you and good day, sir.

Well ackshually sexuality is very complex and constructed and we can change throughout our lives and Michel Foucault and you’re simplifying what it means to be a lesbian and [300 words of incomprehensible tumblrism written by a undergrad and/or a Guardian columnist]?

No it isn’t. God, why don’t you say this to gay men? Why is it always reserved for gay women? Sexuality isn’t complex. In fact, the simple two-part test in the new lesbian masterdoc above is the best way for determining whether you, your friends, or your roommate are lesbians. If you want to determine whether you are a lesbian, please do the test.

Something something compulsory heterosexuality?

Please see the test. The test does not care for such vague concepts. The test only cares about two things. Please see the test.

I didn’t like this!

I don’t care.

Can I share this?

Please do, that’s the whole point of this brand new lesbian masterdoc.

Conclusion:

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Next time, on Sue Donym Z: Is water wet? Is the sky blue? Is Season 7 of Orange Is The New Black a poorly written, unrealistic mess of poverty porn that I put myself through to see if Piper and Alex made it at the end? Tune in next week to find out!

Thus ends the real lesbian masterdoc. The good old lesbian masterdoc. The lesbian masterdoc that tells you what’s what. The lesbian masterdoc that tells you what a lesbian is and how to be a lesbian. The best lesbian masterdoc on Tumblr. The best lesbian masterdoc on Reddit. The best search engine optimized lesbian masterdoc on Substack. The best possible joke to end this lesbian masterdoc on.

1. Kinder, less joking note: I understand some otherwise heterosexual women claim a lesbian identity as a result of traumatic relationships with men. I can understand why that would be what seems like a rational response, however, at the end of the day, calling yourself a lesbian is not going to solve your traumas caused by male violence, and being exclusively sexually attracted to other women isn’t a trauma response, it’s a natural occurrence in a small number of women, no different to the opposite occurring in homosexual males. All you are doing is adding to the belief that we can be ‘fixed’ with the right man, or contributing to some poor woman getting her heart broken when she realizes you’re not really into her, because you can’t be. Please don’t do this.